2 minute read. Your boyfriends life is on hold as long as he allows this arrangement to continue. In about half (49%) of couples in which the husband and wife are both at least 25 years old . Exactly, unfortunately he feels obligated to bail them out. He also has student debt. For you you need to MOVE OUT. They have absolutely no pension or savings and completely rely on him financially. Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder. In the beginning, it did not bother me that much that she lived with us because she was hardly ever at home, so it was like we had the place to ourselves and I did not exactly understand how much she contributed (financially) and how much my boyfriend helped her. And completely unsustainable. F that. He lived with his mom when I met him because he said she needed his help financially - which back then I had no idea HOW much help and of course I was younger and more naive so I thought it was "sweet" he took care of his mom. Boyfriend's financially supporting his mom!!! But as of now, he spends more on supporting them than himself. And if it all is true it also means he's very under his parents thumb and that's a whole other kettle of fish - have you even met these people? He will ask you a lot of financial favors. He has a sibling but there is no expectation from the sibling. As long as hes paying all of his parents bills, nothing is going to change. The more you grow, the more the relationship can grow, says Estes. Although not everyone in debt is irresponsible and should be blanketed as users, if your partner has financial problems and hes using your money to survive, its not good news! After realizing I was the person that everyone around me always came to for dating advice, I decided to merge this skill with my profession writing. Thanks for your comment. I wouldnt want him to stop supporting them if they need the help. If worse thing is that his parents absolutely do not qualify for anything, you will have to decide if you can live with two extra dependents on your tab on a monthly/yearly basis, times X number of years that they have left. I have a good income, own two properties (live in one and rented the other) and not a bad savings. After reading this article you will now be aware of the signs to look out for if your husband is using you financially. His response was his parents will be able to use social assistance. You do not have to break up yet but you need to get away from this. Give him a reasonable time frame and pay attention to his dedication and energy level. Many times, men don't realize that their girlfriends are in need because they aren't vocal about it. 101 Hot Date Ideas for Married Couples to Try. It's got 10k in it so far. When Its Workable:Its a good sign when your guy can set boundaries and is open to having conversations about your feelings while making you feel like a priority, says Estes. 3. It should not be that she should just accept this if it makes her very uncomfortable and resentful. Am I making a mistake? He took care of his rent, and I was living at home ( also a reason I have more money). He pays $600 in rent per month (bc he makes the most $), I pay $300 (varies though, sometimes as high as $500 if his mom can't pay) and she pays whatever she can afford (which is ALWAYS less than what I pay, a great deal less). Ive told him my concerns and he was receptive to them, though neither of us knows what to do next. So it is a big decision. When we started dating I asked him why his sibling doesnt contribute for the parents cost of living. He's obviously going to expect you to take care of his share and needs if you're going to be living somewhere nicer than a basement, unless he has plans to cut the cord one day but you didn't mention that. I went and confirmed it with an expert. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging YourRelationship? Well, let's just say they likely aren't getting many accolades on the other side, either. Unfortunately, our website is currently unavailable in your area. He's making it clear that he thinks that not only he should support his mother, but your salary should go to supporting her as well (i.e., you need to compensate and fill the gap for any money he shills out on his mother). Started Monday at 06:41 PM, By It is ridiculous of him to accuse you of not saving money while he hands huge wads to his mother. 8. Let me make a distinction of what I am NOT saying here: I am not saying to reassure him. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. We have started talking moving in, marriage, etc, and I feel his financial commitment to his parents is a dealbreaker for me. This signals that he may not see you as an equal. Even if true, I told him I dont mind he doesnt have a house or in debt, one thing I have hard time accepting is giving a min of $2k/mo to them. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect - the sticky mother-in-law woes. 5. Can you share your experience with me please? Distancing yourself. He Gets Annoyed When You Spend Money On Yourself, 11. Your boyfriend needs to set firm boundaries here. You are financially secure and already own a house he could move into and have a property that his parents could move in to rent free. He supports his parents financially 100%. Then, she will spend money on clothes, her boyfriend, even things for making SCRAP BOOKS - but she does not have enough money to help out with bills? I guess, what I'm asking is: is it wrong for me to want that 350 to be saved for our future instead of a family that only uses us? Your boyfriend isnt the one who asked me for advice, though. They didnt reach their goal and he put all his eggs in one basket. Though its admirable that he wants to help his parents, its a sign that they will always come before you and your relationship. Spillevinken He told me that without his support the parents will be homeless. because she said she just is too "nervous and anxious" to deal with problems, so tries to get my boyfriend to deal with all of her bull * * * * . Giving more money to one child isn't just a monetary issue. All these comments about how commendable the son is for supporting his parents like this, smh. 1. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. We tend to forget that we are all individuals on a life journey who choose to walk together, and being in a relationship doesnt change that. That's why we need to have a house and children sooner rather than later, Pps. A man working towards a larger goal or fighting for a higher paying position is a lot different from someone who unreliable, lacks ambition or is lazy, she says. I dont have a real relationship with his parents, and Im not willing or able to offer my own financial support to them. I work two jobs, and he works one. He Makes You Responsible For All The Household Bills, 12. But adding his parents to the education is something that bothers me. This isn't money going into booze and video games. This suggests that hes hiding something and what hes hiding is most likely that hes using you for your money. He makes the bed, you dust the tables. Tell him what his behavior towards you makes you feel like and why. He needs to know how you feel. If your boyfriend isnt willing to set a timeline for moving in together or a limit on how much hes giving his parents, listen carefully. If he doesn't respond to his ex's calls for help with the kids, he might worry that they aren't okay and that he . They have money, but they don't want to touch it. /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. He keeps saying he thinks we need to each have a certain amount saved ( a few grand) before we can get our own place. We had sort of a chemistry going on. Everybody has some kind of situation, and the world is not ideal. Family-oriented includes spending quality time together, celebrating with one another, and supporting each other. This issue has always been my concern since the day I learn about it 2-3 months in our dating. He has no savings or own property because of bad financial decisions that has left him $50k in the hole. Think about it: In school, it was easy to meet new people, but as we grow older, the opportunities to make new friends (and see old ones) can seem more limited which means unless your guy has a solid crew of constant companions, hes likely not going to always have someone to do something with. There are some people who will live with their parents their whole lives and expect their spouse to accept it. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. The Family/Relationship Equation:Its important to remember that every family has a different set of values and boundaries, but your guy needs to know where his childhood ends and adulthood begins. You will be able to tell if your husband is using you financially if you notice any of the signs that are listed above. boyfriend financially supports his family. In my case, I'm not willing to loan my brother money. Pick a date you intend to move out and tell him how you feel, that you do not want to live with his mother and you cannot get serious or stay with him if he can't resolve this and be OK with that. Were looking for an apartment that we can afford together, which, given our expenses, shouldnt be an issue. Hes Reckless With Spending Your Money, 5. This way its not over-the-top. It will even become impossible to do a budget and stick to it because he becomes your unforeseen or emergency expense every month. I know his parents dont have savings. People at any age can learn better money management, to not indulge themselves with treats like a child and then not pay bills. If youre tired of collecting frequent flyer miles to the purgatory between stay and go, youre in luck. He uses the words "I'm not going to abandon my family", but they are the ones that abandoned him (boarding school that he hated for years + his mum lives in another country for almost half the year, so he has to look after his brother and sister). I think you need to decide what your bottom line is and if having his Mom living with you or financially dependent on you is not acceptable, then frankly i think this guy is not the right guy for you. They continue to ask for financial help. It would be very easy for him to argue that he would be able to put all his income to his debt and recover faster if you did that. He was one of the very smart ppl in his program and got his degree in less than 3years etc. He's not using our joint savings to pay his family, it's usually his own money, but sometimes he doesn't have it, so I help. I've read what everyone's said so far. A married couple should combine their income and expenses and pay all bills from the combined total of both incomes. I My Husband Uses Me Financially (13 Alarming Signs). HELP!!! He makes decent money, but he hasnt been able to save much because he is responsible for so much. He is a really nice gentleman. Honestly, it sounds like you'll end up paying for him to pay for his parents. Also each family is a unit that is accustomed to. Get a job, secretly. He gives them 350 every month. It's a fair point. If he's willing to discuss these things openly, if he's willing to then agree to financial counseling with you before marriage and clean up and address financial issues before any marriage happens and then does so - not just says he will but really does do that - that's a good sign. By extension, your life is on hold as well. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Family issues like this are a perfect example of how money is more about mind than it is about math. Also his mom is the type of person that is very timid/shy and will be very nice to your face because she CANNOT stand up for herself or tell people how she really feels (and cannot deal with conflict ) but will go behind your back and tell other people when she has a problem with you. So, without further adieu, lets get into it! That leaves me to contribute the rest, about $3000 for rent, food, and utilities. However, in recent years, the idea of being single has gained more acceptance and understanding. It also highlights his self-esteem. One that accepts you too quickly is also a big no-no. 2. This is a relationship goal that you should be aiming to achieve. It is my feeling, and I feel his mother is very manipulative. His income is barely covers his outflow. True, confronting him in that way almost guarantees some issues in your own relationships, but . I do want that extra money spent on me, or in our future, instead of giving it to "family" that don't really care about him. I use my personal money more on him than on myself. A mans work ethic is a reflection of his character, says Jennine Estes, M.F.T and author ofRelationships In The Raw. Full disclosure I'm pretty cynical. Can you please share your experience with me? But, if your spouse is trying to take advantage of you for your finances, they will be reckless with your money, spending it on anything and everything they want - this is a huge red flag. They are from another country that the exchange rate is horrible. He pays for 85 percent to 100 percent of their rent (which is pretty pricey), and for food, utilities and other costs. You know I am going to side with him taking care of his mom as she is his mom and she took care of him for all his life and raised him up and yes kids are obligated to take care of their parents. The societal norm of being in a relationship or getting married has been ingrained in our minds since childhood. She has even gone so far as to ask my boyfriend to call certain companys that she owes money to, (to discuss when she will be able to pay her bill, etc.) . Its more important to examine how the two of you work through these issues. He will borrow from you a LOT. PRIVACY: We will never disclose or sell your email address or any of your data from this site. As mentioned, its often difficult to tell if someone is using you financially. I advise this for a number of reasons. He makes good money now but his outflow is substantial and lives paycheck to paycheck. Don't wait. montana frost depth map; Hola mundo! Imagine a dude cutting his wrist every morning to feed his dog. He told me he cannot stop supporting them. It can be an incredibly difficult situation to deal with, both emotionally and financially when your husband is financially irresponsible. My longtime boyfriend and I are both in our mid-20s. First, you've only known him for four months. Problem is, his family are always asking for money, and no matter how much it is, he will give, even if he / we can't afford it.